pain in the ass

I've debated whether to post this blog directly after my other whiny, high anxiety, rant from yesterday. But I figured why not let it all hang out ~ literally ~ and just show you into my deep, twisted world of crazy thoughts.

I had my ass pricked today. No, not in a fun way. Wait... Is there a fun way?

Ok it wasn't really my BUTT per se, but more my hip. I was told I have hip bursitis.

Say what? Isn't that something your grandma has? Goodness I'm aging at lightening speed!!! Shut the front door! You can't be right. Stop it! Just stop, no really, stop...

The look the nurse gave me so I shut up.

She says"it's from overuse" . . . though I wanted to smirk, wink & do the whole dirty car salesman look and say "oh yea baby, that's what I'm talking about"... I said "oh, could it be from Zumba®" where she in turn agreed that could do it.
Now there is NO way shape or form, no matter how much my hip throbbed & I grimaced numerous times during slumber just to roll over, was I giving up Zumba®. And I am NOT giving it a bad name, quite the contrary. Taking classes a few times a week will most likely not cause bursitis, but as an instructor I teach 2-3 times a week PLUS practice several other days, plus weekend Zumbathons® so I'm gyrating for several hours nearly 5-7 days a week. I make Elvis' hips look lazy.

she suggests a rest... I say how much of a rest & she says a few weeks.

"no can do sister" this isn't recreational, I teach, it's a job & people depend on me so what are my other options.

Oral steroids. If I wanted to look like Arnold I would be a weight lifter trainer not a Zumba® instructor... plus I know how that shit makes you gain weight... that would be quite counter productive.

So she suggests the injection. It's quick & goes directly to the spot. That's what men say too. Lies.

Anywhoooo.... I hate needles. Needles that penetrate you (should I rate this blog X-rated? sheesh) I have tattoos but it's different. Damn different so stop making the comparison people it's annoying.

Tattoo = hour or so of constant pricking & scraping. Uncomfortable & annoying but usually not excruciating. And if you have an ARTIST not a jack wagon you should have a beautiful outcome of body art. 

This... beautiful.

Injections = homogeneous needle that punctures through layers & layers of skin, ripping through everything else in the way then exploding some form of liquid into a pocket of liquid?? Again, isn't THIS counterproductive? and what's pretty about it? I just removed the blood stained maxi pad looking thing & the bandage that left my hip red, swollen & throbbing like a boner. 

This... makes me wanna vomit.

So, boner-fied and all I went for the injection this morning. I was not allowed to bring anyone back with me. I asked who was going to hold my hand & she said no one. Oh.

I said ok but I tend to throw punches when I get anxious. She threatened to swing back. I told her that'd be great, I prefer to be knocked out please.

Once again this week, I was asked to drop my drawers. This Zumba® thing must really be working for me. So down they went & up on the gurney I went. At which point I asked for a teddy bear to squeeze. The 2 nurses literally laughed out loud & said no one has ever requested that. Well I'm a whole other breed ladies & I wanted a teddy bear. But had to settle for the death grip of the cold metal bed. Not quite as comforting.

I asked that I not see the needle or I would become Jim Carey from The Mask. A blurr - never to return. They graciously accommodated me ... .. .. .. minus the bear; yes I'm bitter.

The doc advises about the numbing agent literally as she is sticking me with it, dang that's never comfortable but you hear "numbing agent" and you become extremely tolerant. Thinking to myself, numb = no pain. Right?

To my dismay the doc starts talking about the needle... "needle this.." "needle that"... and honestly I had no clue she even stuck me yet... the nurse finally says "hey doc, uh can ya chill with the eddle-nay word". I giggled. Helloooo I speak pig latin.

Just as I was beginning to unclench my white knuckled death grip the nurse says "ok and now with the fluid injection you'll probably feel some pain, ok?" No. That's a stupid question, it's not ok & I'd prefer ..........

YOWW!!!!!!!!!

Never mind. 

About 10 seconds of pressure & pain & it was over. I was still breathing, eyes open, not ass up on the cold floor. Still clenching though. I hear "clean her up"... clean what up? what's wrong? is my femur protruding? Come to find out, I'm a bleeder.

Now here comes the ingenious part. I wore skinny jeans today. Not nice comfy ones. Ass hugging-leaving-nothing-to-the-imagination-nearly-but-not-quite-a-camel-toe kind of jeans. I regret this decision as she's stuffing an ice pack down my pants asking can I feel it? Your hand caressing my ass cheek or the ice pack? By her look, I assume she meant the ice pack. Hey after what SHE just did to me she better be fondling something.

Recovery time = no Zumba® for a few days. bummer. My hips will be motionless & limp for the next couple days but then watch out Zumba® world I'm bound to start an earthquake to make up for lost shimmy-ing!

Whoop! Whoop!