we're talking about a massage here, right? that's what y'all were thinking I'm sure.
who doesn't love a massage? No really, who? Cuz I need to know if I'm the only one who actually has to be PERSUADED to get one.
the masseuse at my gym has been talking me into a massage since May. I have myofascial pain syndrome in my upper back & neck area. Basically I carry all my stress in my upper back & shoulders. I'm hunched, bunched & scrunched 90% of the time thus causing weak muscles, soreness & headaches. I've had physical therapy and local injections that have worked but only for a short period of time.
I'm not one who likes or wants to "fix" the pain with meds but I basically keep Advil in business. Sorry liver.
I've finally caved & scheduled a massage for this evening after my Zumba® class. Pre-shower is required in my book.
Why so tense? I'm glad you ask. Let me 'splain.
#1 - I get to get totally naked in front of a stranger that only has a WHITE cotton sheet to cover up my girls & my badonkadonk. Which means at anytime as I'm laying buck ass naked one of my hooters may high tail it outta there to make an uninvited appearance. I'm not 20, nor close to 30. My lovely lady lumps grew to a DD when I was prego but now 70 lbs lighter, needless to say they make rubber bands look tight. Basically when I'm laying down, I'm flat. Flat as a board. So where exactly are the girls? Dangling to the side. Thus I TENSE up trying to keep them in check. Like flexing will bring them to a standing ovation or something?!?
#2 - I'm naked. Face down, ass up. Praying to bejeezus that the broccoli that i ate today doesn't decide to make a lasting impression. Yes I knew broccoli had this effect on me so once again I resorted to pill popping...
Trust me, he'll be thanking me later. Thus I TENSE up or should I say CLENCH up hoping that I don't let out a squeaker.
#3 - I'm naked. In silence. If you know me, you know I'm always a sure loser at the "quiet game". I have to say something just bc I'm not supposed to. 30 minutes of unadulterated silence. So now not only are my ass cheeks clenched so is my yapper.
#4 - I'm still naked. With ADD and a mix of restless leg syndrome. Me sit still?
Really? I'll go nuts. So to me, a massage is much like a straight jacket.
#5 - Have I mentioned that I won't be wearing any clothes. OK I'll have on my muffin protectors. Which I will spend relentless hours over-thinking which will cover the most but not look like granny panties in case the sheet gets crazy & your briefs peek out. Check for holes, rips, tears. You know, those "period" unders you have outworn 5 years ago but refuse to let go of (men I'm sure you're totally grossed out at this statement, but trust me, your smokin' hot girlfriend has them too so don't judge) Those would be unacceptable in this situation. Thongs, not happening. Shit, they don't happen in every day life. I endure plenty of wedgies on my own thank you, don't need my unders flossing for me.
So by the time it's all said & done, which by the way should be an hour session but I've scheduled only a half hour, I don't leave there relaxed. I'm a big knot that feels violated & wondering for the next 42 years if something slipped out and he never told me.
Oh yea, clincher, it's a HE. Very nice guy, very respectable or I wouldn't even consider it BUT I've only been "man" handled by the ladies. I don't mind sharing a tit amongst friends but ????????????????
Soooooo....anyone available tonight? I heard that a massage appointment just opened up this evening.
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