Wednesday, August 22, 2012

thanks for your sperm

text early this morning says:

                        "call me when you can" .... mom

Gulp. Heart palpitations. Sweaty palms. Racing thoughts. Tuning out coworker. Screaming in my head "shut up already!!!"

Breeeeeathe. Deep breath in... and out. If it was a true emergency she would have called. Yet I still know something is up.

Great thing about my mom, she doens't beat around the bush. Basically went as such:

Mom: "Hi honey"
Me: "hi"
Mom: "Butch died"
< crickets chirping >

Oh. Um ok. Now what? What do I say? How do I react?

Right now I know, you're all frantically scouring this blog now to find out... WHO THE HELL IS BUTCH?? Well let me tell you.....

He is my sperm donor. Yep that's it, nothing else. Thanks for your looks buddy, at least I don't crack mirrors. Other than that....
< awkward silence >......  yea that's all I got.

I met my sperm donor once in my life ONLY because my mother thought I should. I was 11 and don't remember much except going home, looking at my mother and saying "thanks, I'm good now".

See the thing is, I have a father. For 32 years. I had the BEST most amazing father♥ Unfortunately he passed away in 2008. Breaks my heart every day. But that's not this blog... he deserves more than a blip on the donor's blog. So anywho...

How am I supposed to feel? I don't think I could explain it even if I tried. It kinda went like this:

*shock*
*numb*
*couldn't care*
*teary*
*concern for mom's feelings*
*couldn't care - or did I?*
*state of confusion*
*teary*
*whatever... I'll just blog*

That was all in a 10 minute time period.

Yet as I typed an email to my significant, I teared up. But why? Sorry to sound so harsh but not because he died but because it brought up feelings of death. Of my REAL dad dying. That's what made me sad. I think.

Do I harbor anger? I didn't think so but I might... just a little. Not that I wanted him to be a part of my life, once I got to know about him, I knew I was better off without him and he obviously felt the same way. His loss.

It's more of a feeling of "what was wrong with me?". Through maturity & having a loving mother & father I've learned to accept that it wasn't me, it was him. He never gave me a chance so how could he have even judged? He didn't realize I'd grow up to be THIS awesome, but I owe nothing of that to him. Sure I wonder if my issues, traits - physical & mental, intelligence, habits, mannerisms etc mirror him at all... but I'll never know. Except for that random phrase my mother tells me too often "you resemble him in looks" . . . damn him. Mom said he looked much like Billy Ray Cyrus.... uh so where's my Miley clone? Jipped again.

It's rigorous for me to fathom parenting a child then just not giving a shit, but hey that's me, I have morals... got them from my mama. Obviously.

All this being said, I never wish the loss of a loved one on anyone, it sucks. Big hairy balls. So my condolences go out to anyone who was close to him. Other than than, I hope my true father "schools" him a bit wherever their souls may land and possibly meet & that he tells him how much he missed out.



"Any man can be a father.  It takes someone special to be a dad".  ~Author Unknown


No comments:

Post a Comment