Finding Fit

I always fall off the blogging bandwagon ~ where the hell are the seatbelts??

I realized I don't blog because I'm busy. Duh, who isn't? We're all busy in our own ways, whether it's busy working, busy being a parent, busy running errands, or even busy being lazy - hey, it's a busy to some!

Then when I realized WHY I'VE been busy, I thought, man this would have been great to blog about. It's one of those things that YOU, meaning the person on the journey, cares about WAY more than anyone else, but isn't that true with most personal journeys?? So I never really thought to share it... until now. Lucky you.

So I've been on a fitness journey. No, not a diet. I don't diet anymore. I did for 20 years & look how well that worked out! Maybe it was the milestone birthday that is creeping up ever so quickly (10 days to be exact ~ gulp) maybe it's seeing friends beat the odds & achieve such amazing fitness goals. Or, maybe I was just tired of not being as fit as I wanted to be.

I can't get my last 6 months all into this one blog, so I have to commit to posting at least a few times a week. Let's just start with a few facts about me & my battle with body image.

~ I've struggled all my life & never considered myself skinny.
~ I tried every fad diet & every diet pill you can think of.
~ I often vomited when I was younger to rid of extra consumed calories but truly hated barfing so didn't keep that up for long.
~ I've spent a few hundred dollars on body wraps.
~ I weighed 135 when I was 21 and got pregnant. I gained 70 lbs and had a C-section that didn't go so swell. I weighed in at 192 lbs for 5 years after giving birth.
~ I did weight watchers for my wedding which got me down to 168 lbs.
~ Along with marriage came many splits, I starved myself due to depression, lost 30 lbs in 2 months but in turn also lost hair, nutrients & any chance of reshaping my stomach back to "normal". I endured an extra amount of belly skin that can only be cosmetically firmed up.
~ I never once exercised as an adult until about 5 years ago.
~ I love carbs & dislike most meats.
~ My closet contains many Spanx type items.
~ I wore stomach "suckers" as I call them under many outfits.
~ I divorced 10 years ago & fell in love with the most amazing woman, who is my SOLE inspiration on this fitness journey.
~ When I met her, I weighed 138 - only because I refused to let her think I consumed food, therefore I was hungry quite often.
~ Comfort set in & so did my weight. 
~ I started this mental & physical journey in July of 2013.
I weighed 162 lbs @ 5'6" - one day I may post a picture, I'm still uncomfortable with most pictures of my body. I'll think about it though because visuals are motivation.

Dates You Wish You Could Forget....

July 20th

Five years ago today my father (aka Pa) passed away.
The worst day of my life. 
I wish I could forget. 
Forget that day
Forget this date. 
But I can't & probably won't. 
It doesn't necessarily get "easier", you just cope better I guess. 
I miss his smile, his baby blue eyes, his prickly whiskers & shiny sun burnt bald spot.
I just really, really miss him...♥

 

 

It's About That Time!!!!!



It's About That Time!!

 It's here & I'm skeered.
But determined.
Unfortunately at this given time I'm battling major hip issues that's causing possible bruising & clotting in my upper thigh, this is probably not a good thing.

That being said, I AM going to have it checked out & hopefully SOON I will be able to have the ever so sexy Shaun T kick my ass.

Speaking of, do you know this lovely, hunk of chocolate is GAY? Gotta say, I didn't see that one. I am having the technician come out tomorrow to check my gay-dar, something has got to be wrong. AND not only is he gay, he has a rather yummy husband. Please drool below...

Hello? Anyone Home?

Hi. Yes I have been MIA. I'm so sorry. Though I love to blog I have figured out that it takes a lot of dedication & I must not have enough of that.

Between my full time job, full time kid & part time Zumba, I just never seem to write anymore but I think about it ALL THE TIME!!

From bitching about pet peeves, to new hair dos, to trendy weight loss issues, to family matters, to whatever takes over my brain for the day, which I can tell you is a LOT Of shit in one day.

Let's see what I can briefly cover (sum it) from my sabbatical.

~ Mother had heart attack while in NC. Sisters & I drove 5 hours to be with her. Sucks when you lost one parent to a heart attack only 4.5 years ago & now we face it again. Scary. I hate it. Living in fear every day really truly is bothersome. Not only for us, but especially for her.

~ Taxes - Screwed me. No, I didn't enjoy it. I had made a prior agreement to pay my ex for the car we got the kid for Christmas. With my average return I figured this would leave me with a good $1500. Son needs new glasses & contacts. I need contacts & my car needs 4 new tires. Plus a little left over for graduation stuff & birthdays. Outcome = I didn't even get back enough to pay for the car. Fuck you Earned Income Credit & my "$1000 over the required income".

~ Weight loss gimmicks. I love 'em. I mean I hate 'em. And even though I know most are gimmicks I STILL try them & get pissed when they don't work. My latest (I actually have 2) are all natural slimmer assist pills that were recommended my one of my Zumba® students (she's skinny so that's good enough for me) and also these It Works® body wraps. Another Zumba® student is a distributor. I didn't get into the pyramid scheme. I want to be skinny not stressed with more work. So I buy them from Amazon much cheaper. Needless to say I'm on week 3 of the pills & wrap #3. I have seen NO difference & I'm pissed. I fall for those "before & after" pictures, damn they're amazing. Why am I never one of those?? I think my one "after" picture/measurement was worse than the before!! WTF!!! I don't want to workout 24/7 and eat freakin' bunny food all my life. Hmpf!

~ The kid now has his license, a running car & a new job. Thus I have empty nest syndrome. I never see him except only when he needs money... Oh wait, that's all the time so guess I technically "see" him often but don't blink cuz kid & money are gone in a flash. His concept of money is non-existence still. But hey my car insurance went from $50/month to $221/mo. What a kick in the poodle.

~ Son had a school colleague pass away a few weeks ago. They played volleyball together for 2 years. I was quite distraught by this. Certain life events just hit us harder than others, this one was extremely harsh for me. The visuals wouldn't leave my mind, the parent's heartache echoed in my heart, I spent numerous hours per day somber & in tears for the loss. I just don't understand these things & they make me very angry. (RIP James Wilson)

~ I tore my calf in November & was in a boot for 6 weeks. It still aches. I worry every day that I work out that it's going to happen again. I do what I can to prevent it but no guarantees in life. It hurt. Really don't want something like that to happen again.

~ I still haven't won the lottery. But still trying.

~ My newest addiction (yes i know this doesn't help with the lack of weight loss so shut it)

That's it for now... just a quick glance into the past 6 months that I've slacked! Hopefully will be back soon! Leave a comment :)

take 2 and call me in the morning...

Do you ever feel like this...........

So all you do is this......

And all you want is this.....



But because you have to be coherent for work (whatever) you settle for this.....

which then makes you feel like this....

So now you have this....

Which makes you wanna do this....

and just say this.....



Welcome to my day.

pain in the ass

I've debated whether to post this blog directly after my other whiny, high anxiety, rant from yesterday. But I figured why not let it all hang out ~ literally ~ and just show you into my deep, twisted world of crazy thoughts.

I had my ass pricked today. No, not in a fun way. Wait... Is there a fun way?

Ok it wasn't really my BUTT per se, but more my hip. I was told I have hip bursitis.

Say what? Isn't that something your grandma has? Goodness I'm aging at lightening speed!!! Shut the front door! You can't be right. Stop it! Just stop, no really, stop...

The look the nurse gave me so I shut up.

She says"it's from overuse" . . . though I wanted to smirk, wink & do the whole dirty car salesman look and say "oh yea baby, that's what I'm talking about"... I said "oh, could it be from Zumba®" where she in turn agreed that could do it.
Now there is NO way shape or form, no matter how much my hip throbbed & I grimaced numerous times during slumber just to roll over, was I giving up Zumba®. And I am NOT giving it a bad name, quite the contrary. Taking classes a few times a week will most likely not cause bursitis, but as an instructor I teach 2-3 times a week PLUS practice several other days, plus weekend Zumbathons® so I'm gyrating for several hours nearly 5-7 days a week. I make Elvis' hips look lazy.

she suggests a rest... I say how much of a rest & she says a few weeks.

"no can do sister" this isn't recreational, I teach, it's a job & people depend on me so what are my other options.

Oral steroids. If I wanted to look like Arnold I would be a weight lifter trainer not a Zumba® instructor... plus I know how that shit makes you gain weight... that would be quite counter productive.

So she suggests the injection. It's quick & goes directly to the spot. That's what men say too. Lies.

Anywhoooo.... I hate needles. Needles that penetrate you (should I rate this blog X-rated? sheesh) I have tattoos but it's different. Damn different so stop making the comparison people it's annoying.

Tattoo = hour or so of constant pricking & scraping. Uncomfortable & annoying but usually not excruciating. And if you have an ARTIST not a jack wagon you should have a beautiful outcome of body art. 

This... beautiful.

Injections = homogeneous needle that punctures through layers & layers of skin, ripping through everything else in the way then exploding some form of liquid into a pocket of liquid?? Again, isn't THIS counterproductive? and what's pretty about it? I just removed the blood stained maxi pad looking thing & the bandage that left my hip red, swollen & throbbing like a boner. 

This... makes me wanna vomit.

So, boner-fied and all I went for the injection this morning. I was not allowed to bring anyone back with me. I asked who was going to hold my hand & she said no one. Oh.

I said ok but I tend to throw punches when I get anxious. She threatened to swing back. I told her that'd be great, I prefer to be knocked out please.

Once again this week, I was asked to drop my drawers. This Zumba® thing must really be working for me. So down they went & up on the gurney I went. At which point I asked for a teddy bear to squeeze. The 2 nurses literally laughed out loud & said no one has ever requested that. Well I'm a whole other breed ladies & I wanted a teddy bear. But had to settle for the death grip of the cold metal bed. Not quite as comforting.

I asked that I not see the needle or I would become Jim Carey from The Mask. A blurr - never to return. They graciously accommodated me ... .. .. .. minus the bear; yes I'm bitter.

The doc advises about the numbing agent literally as she is sticking me with it, dang that's never comfortable but you hear "numbing agent" and you become extremely tolerant. Thinking to myself, numb = no pain. Right?

To my dismay the doc starts talking about the needle... "needle this.." "needle that"... and honestly I had no clue she even stuck me yet... the nurse finally says "hey doc, uh can ya chill with the eddle-nay word". I giggled. Helloooo I speak pig latin.

Just as I was beginning to unclench my white knuckled death grip the nurse says "ok and now with the fluid injection you'll probably feel some pain, ok?" No. That's a stupid question, it's not ok & I'd prefer ..........

YOWW!!!!!!!!!

Never mind. 

About 10 seconds of pressure & pain & it was over. I was still breathing, eyes open, not ass up on the cold floor. Still clenching though. I hear "clean her up"... clean what up? what's wrong? is my femur protruding? Come to find out, I'm a bleeder.

Now here comes the ingenious part. I wore skinny jeans today. Not nice comfy ones. Ass hugging-leaving-nothing-to-the-imagination-nearly-but-not-quite-a-camel-toe kind of jeans. I regret this decision as she's stuffing an ice pack down my pants asking can I feel it? Your hand caressing my ass cheek or the ice pack? By her look, I assume she meant the ice pack. Hey after what SHE just did to me she better be fondling something.

Recovery time = no Zumba® for a few days. bummer. My hips will be motionless & limp for the next couple days but then watch out Zumba® world I'm bound to start an earthquake to make up for lost shimmy-ing!

Whoop! Whoop!

let your fingers do the walking

close your eyes. hear the ocean waves. feel the coolness on your skin. your muscles relaxing with every stroke. muffled deep moans...

HOLD UP!!!!


we're talking about a massage here, right? that's what y'all were thinking I'm sure.

who doesn't love a massage? No really, who? Cuz I need to know if I'm the only one who actually has to be PERSUADED to get one.

the masseuse at my gym has been talking me into a massage since May. I have myofascial pain syndrome in my upper back & neck area. Basically I carry all my stress in my upper back & shoulders. I'm hunched, bunched & scrunched 90% of the time thus causing weak muscles, soreness & headaches. I've had physical therapy and local injections that have worked but only for a short period of time.

I'm not one who likes or wants to "fix" the pain with meds but I basically keep Advil in business. Sorry liver.

I've finally caved & scheduled a massage for this evening after my Zumba® class. Pre-shower is required in my book.

Why so tense? I'm glad you ask. Let me 'splain.

#1 - I get to get totally naked in front of a stranger that only has a WHITE cotton sheet to cover up my girls & my badonkadonk. Which means at anytime as I'm laying buck ass naked one of my hooters may high tail it outta there to make an uninvited appearance. I'm not 20, nor close to 30. My lovely lady lumps grew to a DD when I was prego but now 70 lbs lighter, needless to say they make rubber bands look tight. Basically when I'm laying down, I'm flat. Flat as a board. So where exactly are the girls? Dangling to the side. Thus I TENSE up trying to keep them in check. Like flexing will bring them to a standing ovation or something?!?

#2 - I'm naked. Face down, ass up. Praying to bejeezus that the broccoli that i ate today doesn't decide to make a lasting impression. Yes  I knew broccoli had this effect on me  so once again I resorted to pill popping...

Trust me, he'll be thanking me later. Thus I TENSE up or should I say CLENCH up hoping that I don't let out a squeaker.

#3 - I'm naked. In silence. If you know me, you know I'm always a sure loser at the "quiet game". I have to say something just bc I'm not supposed to. 30 minutes of unadulterated silence. So now not only are my ass cheeks clenched so is my yapper. 

#4 -  I'm still naked. With ADD and a mix of restless leg syndrome. Me sit still?

Really? I'll go nuts. So to me, a massage is much like a straight jacket.

 #5 - Have I mentioned that I won't be wearing any clothes. OK I'll have on my muffin protectors. Which I will spend relentless hours over-thinking which will cover the most but not look like granny panties in case the sheet gets crazy & your briefs peek out. Check for holes, rips, tears. You know, those "period" unders you have outworn 5 years ago but refuse to let go of (men I'm sure you're totally grossed out at this statement, but trust me, your smokin' hot girlfriend has them too so don't judge) Those would be unacceptable in this situation. Thongs, not happening. Shit, they don't happen in every day life. I endure plenty of wedgies on my own thank you, don't need my unders flossing for me.

So by the time it's all said & done, which by the way should be an hour session but I've scheduled only a half hour, I don't leave there relaxed. I'm a big knot that feels violated & wondering for the next 42 years if something slipped out and he never told me.

Oh yea, clincher, it's a HE. Very nice guy, very respectable or I wouldn't even consider it BUT I've only been "man" handled by the ladies. I don't mind sharing a tit amongst friends but ????????????????

Soooooo....anyone available tonight? I heard that a massage appointment just opened up this evening.